Dear Lynda,
I met someone on-line about 3 months ago, and since then we have progressed into a very strong loving relationship. We talk on the phone every night…..and she is perfect for me! We met once, and it went very well. She does everything I enjoy, and it seems as though we were meant for each other. We have talked about her moving to this town so we can be closer in the semi-near future…..
There is one problem……she is rather overweight, and I am totally not attracted to that physically. She has mentioned that she went through some female problems in the past year, and that she is better, and planning on getting much thinner by the summer.
Am I too shallow with this whole issue? I haven’t said a word,…and would never…..hurt her feelings! I am confused what to do….I think I am in Love with her!
Can you give me a little advice?????
Thank You!
Perfect Match?
Dear Perfect Match?,
Boy, am I glad that you wrote to me. You would be shocked at the amount of letters I get from women who have been jilted by their boyfriends because of their weight problem.
I was quite overweight when I met my partner. Probably had a lot to do with spending all my time on my own with only a computer and a refrigerator to keep me company. Food is often used to comfort, so understandably many single women have packed the weight on.
Now I am in the most fulfilling and happiest time of my life. You know how you can get a really attractive person, and they start looking ugly after a while if they have a bad personality? Well the opposite also holds true. I’m sure you know people who aren’t exceptionally attractive, but in your eyes they are truly beautiful because you know what a wonderful person they are.
My advice is that you stick to your heart. A woman that you are physically attracted to might get you through six months, but a woman that you are emotionally attracted to can get you through the rest of your life.
So, how did things end up for me? Well, I’ve just about lost all my weight and am looking fantastic for it I must say. He’s lucky he stuck with me. 
Do you want to miss out on an incredibly wonderful experience like that?
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
I’ve been chatting with this guy for over 7 months. I’ve sent him over three photo’s of me and he wont send me one. I love him deeply but I think he might be hiding something from me. He wants to meet me soon and I’m not sure about going. Help me find out why he want send me a picture.
In too deep
Dear In Too Deep,
I think you are doing well to we wary of this guy. He may just be a bit lazy and hasn’t got around to it, but I recommend that you definitely do not meet him until you have seen some photos of him and probably find out a bit more about him to back his story up.
Do you have his home phone number? Are you allowed to ring it? Have you rung him at work? Is his name and number in the phone book? Do you even know his full name? Are you sure he isn’t married? You need to find out all these things and more…
I think you need to start expecting a bit from this man before you even think about meeting him in person. If he is genuine, then he will understand your need to protect yourself and will be only too pleased to supply you with all the comforting information you need.
I personally feel that if a woman ever feels that her man is hiding something from her, then she needs to take this seriously. Women have an intuitive nature which is there to help protect them from possible harm, so you would do well to listen to it.
Also, consider the possibility that he is a genuine guy who is embarrassed to reveal a weight problem or feels inadequate about his looks. You need to approach this situation both intelligently and sensitively.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
I stumbled upon your web site when looking for help on Long distance relationships. You’re story really inspired me but I do have a problem. First off I’m only 18. I met my online love in July of 1999. It was love at first /msg
. We met in May of 2000 and it was nothing but fireworks. She stayed a week with me in July and again in October. Now its the start of December and she’s supposed to come stay another week starting December 26th. Here’s my problem. I think she is falling out of love with me because its so hard to go back to IRC after we’ve been together in real life. She needs me there and I can’t be there because of my age and situation. I really don’t want to lose her. I’m afraid I’d spend the rest of my life wondering what might have been. Please give me any advice to help sooth the wait for her. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Needs Help
Dear Needs Help,
Internet Romances can flourish for years given enough encouragement. There are many more ways than IRC to keep a romance alive.
You may like to try different forms of communication. Keep changing our form of communication to keep the romance going. Forms such as telephone, internet telephony, snail-mail letters, cards and brochures will all help to add some excitement into the relationship. It will take a bit of effort on your behalf, but a bit of variety, intrigue and surprise should help put the sparkle back into her eyes.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
I met this guy on the internet about two months ago in a singles chat room. We clicked automatically with our wit and humour. We agreed that night to talk again the next night. He said he was single. I’m 30 and he was 26. Each night we talked we became closer and closer. Sharing our feelings, hopes and dreams, and even talking about a future together. He managed to look up my address and phone number somehow and had my email address. But he wouldn’t give that info about himself to me because he said he couldn’t over the net because of his job. (he’s a cop). I told him my biggest fear was that I’d never hear from him again and I wouldn’t be able to reach him. He said he would never just leave without word and that he wasn’t that “shallow”. Well the last night we spoke everything was so perfect. He sent me love songs and poems and really opened up to me about a future. Well that was the last night I heard from him. His comp did quit 4 times on us that night but it!’s been a month now and I still haven’t heard anything. He had my number and address so he could have called. I’m just so confused as to what happened to him all of a sudden. There and so perfect one night, gone without a trace the next. I have no way of getting a hold of him so I don’t know what to do. Just wondering what could have happened to him. Any ideas? I would appreciate any input at this point. Thanks so much.
Very confused
Dear Very Confused,
There’s lots of reasons why you never heard from him again. I could rattle off tons of possibilities, all of which have probably already gone through your mind already.
The odds are that this guy was a fraud and most doubtful that he was a cop. There a lot of women that have fallen for this trick, usually in an attempt to obtain cybersex and a few cheap thrills. Usually married, unemployed, and bored, these guys are preying on some really nice women.
The fact that he didn’t want your phone number, should have been your first sign that he was a fraud. He didn’t want you to invade his personal space, and only wanted what he could get out of you on the computer.
Signal number two should have been the way in which he romanced you. Often married men are overly flirtatious and seem too good to be true.
Sounds like you got off light!
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
How often should I expect my internet lover to write to me or to keep in contact? I seem to be writing to him an awful lot, but some days I hear nothing from him. I have fallen madly in love with him and I fear that he will disappear on me for some reason. Please advise me as to how I can get over this fear and exactly what I should expect from an internet lover. He will be coming to the states soon and I don’t want to have a broken heart.
Desperate Expectations
Dear Desperate Expectations,
If the odd day is passing here and there without hearing from him don’t despair. He may have a job with heavy demands on his time. Find the reasons behind his sometimes delayed contact and there you will find your peace of mind.
If his reasons are nothing more than pathetic excuses, you may want to have a good think about his dedication to this relationship. The way that he is treating you now is a good indication of what you can expect in the future, so be sure to keep both eyes open.
You will get over your fear when you know that he has legitimate reasons for these delays, and you know that your fear isn’t instinct about some dubious behaviour.
There is no expected behaviour for an internet romance. You will do well in love if you receive honest and wholehearted responses.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
I have had an online relationship for almost a year. We have talked almost everyday online and I have grown to love her. I have called her and we have sent each other mail and I feel like I know her very well. In fact I am so in love with her I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
It has been a difficult relationship at times. She seems to always pull away from me. It is hard to get her to trust me and I know she is afraid of loving me for fear that I will hurt her. I don’t know how to get her to have as much faith in our relationship and our love as I do. I don’t know how to let her understand that I love her and will never hurt her because I would hurt just as much. I don’t know what to do, How can I be so sure of this and she be so doubtful? I need advice…
In Love
Dear In Love,
Trust is something that needs to be earned. The way to develop trust is to be trustworthy. In other words, be worthy of her trust. Be there when she is down, be strong when she is weak, and never say things like ‘Is it over with us?’ You need to show her time and time again that you can be her ‘rock’, and you won’t be moved by the first windstorm that comes your way.
In time, you will have earned genuine trust which is worth more than gold. Once you have the trust of a woman like this you will have quite a treasure indeed.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
I have fallen in love with a boy on the net and it’s now about 6 months or more that we have kept in touch. Our parents know everything. Actually I would like you to help me how I can tell our relatives about our meeting. They will make fun of us if they hear we first fell in love on the net but we really love each other no matter were we first met.
Thanks,
In Love
Dear In Love,
I have found with old-fashioned relatives, it is possible to help them to see the truth if you speak to them in terminology that they can understand. Try telling them that he is a pen-pal that you have written to using the internet for the last six months. People are generally ‘techno-phobic’ and seem to go up in arms over the words ‘internet romance’, but all coo sweetly at the terminology ‘pen-pal’.
I know you will want them to know that he is more than just a pen-pal, but I think that if you say he is your pen-pal, then by simply watching your behaviour together (keeping it decent) will show that there is a budding romance there. You may even find that they start suggesting the possibility of a romance. Even better if they think that it was their idea!
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
Hi I’m from California and i met a girl online that was from Canada. She was nice she said she was moving here and stuff… but she’s not sure when. Well i asked her to be my girlfriend and she said she would.
I started talking to her on the internet and I feel pretty compatible with her! however sometimes I feel the distance was so far it kind of makes me feel it won’t work. So, yesterday night I send some message to her saying that we’ll be friends for now and as soon as I get enough money and vacation I’ll go visit her. I felt bad this morning and didn’t go to school. Instead, I called her and told her how much I loved her and stuff (the first time we’re on the phone) we were having a really good time on the phone!!!
I’m confused should I get a ticket up to Canada and see her? I’m confused also I’m not that financial stable as I’m in college with the help of financial aid… your advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
Confused
Dear Confused,
There are stories of couples that dated through the internet successfully for years before meeting and even longer before they were able to be together in ‘real-life’.
If you are prepared to put in the work involved in an internet romance, then you can be greatly rewarded. In many ways, an internet romance is of great advantage to a college student as you can fit in time around your schedule, where a girlfriend in ‘real-life’ may not be so accommodating. I know the phone bills can get a bit much at times, but there are cheaper ways to communicate and, after all, there are no expensive dates to pay for.
Most of us wouldn’t have chosen to have an Internet Romance because it is such uncharted territory in many ways, but there are many thousands of couples that have gone before you and proven that a relationship that began on the internet can develop into a successful and satisfying long-term relationship.
As for visiting this girl, that has to be up to you and your budget. The most important thing is that you keep talking. What is most important is that you discover whether you are sure about your compatibility with this girl. I’m sure that she will understand your financial position and you both can work on developing a quality relationship.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
I have been communicating with a man from another state for the past 4 months via email and phone calls. He bought me an airline ticket and we finally met for a weekend. He was everything he said he was and I have always been honest as well so there were no surprises.
My question is, “Now what?” While I do not believe in love at first sight (I am in my forties and look for more than that) I do believe chemistry existed and I’ve known for awhile that I like him a lot. We’ve told each other we miss each other since my trip but I just don’t know what happens from here. A weekend is not enough time to get to know someone. I’ve let him know I wish we had more time. Where do I go from here, if anywhere?
Confused
Dear Confused,
This is where the hard work comes for both of you. You have met him, and you know there is some chemistry there, so now you get to see if you are both suited emotionally for each other. I know it can be hard when you have been used to real-life relationships to expect yourself to be courted from afar, but you will benefit from it no end.
Get to know each other. Not just to see if you are suitable as a couple, but to see if you are suitable as people. You may not believe in love at first site, but love on the internet has proven time and time again to be as real and often stronger than physical relationships.
How about playing some games together on the internet (scrabble, chess, cribbage), long telephone calls (get a cheap calling card first), posting off little surprises in the mail every few days, sending cards via the internet, make a video of your house and family for him, go and watch the same movie in two different states and discuss it afterwards, read a book together…. The list is endless.
Court each other over the internet and you will be sure of your compatibility BEFORE thinking about getting together in *real-life*.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
D*** and I met in a chat room, then went on to real time chat on ICQ, as so many other couples’ stories begin. My mate died 6 years ago, and I have been a hermit till 7 months ago, when I got this computer (it has thrown me back into the world-I am currently a full time CIS student at a local college, and head over heels in love, not to mention going to meet some other chat buddies next weekend!). D*** lives in England, and is separated from his wife, though she has recently moved back into his house , for economic reasons, having broken up with the man for whom she left him. Neither of us was looking for love, but we share so much in common, that it just happened. A classic progression, as I understand it, buddies, then friends, then lovers. We have not spoken on the phone, but have exchanged numerous pictures and .wav files. We are now at at the stage where we feel that we HAVE to meet, and he is making plans to come here. (I will be 48 in a month, he just turned 60, we are intellectual equals, though he is a world traveller, and I have rarely left this country.)
Our question is, having met, can we then go back to the friendship and intimacy we share online now? We have discussed it exhaustively, and cannot reach an answer. We thought we were alone in our feelings, till I ran across an article by Rose Vines, and have researched and found this site, and others. Neither of us have a lot of money to travel, though I will be able to return his visit, if other pressures on him do not prevent this. I have few ties, and no one to answer to, and if we “click”, it would not be any problem for him to live with me, except that he has children and grandchildren that he loves and would want to see.
We have not been able to talk a lot in the last couple of days, because of the severe storms in England (phone and power lines down), and the last I heard, he had not cancelled his plans to visit, but was getting a lot of pressure, of what sort, I do not know.
I would appreciate any wisdom that you might be able to shed on this problem. I think he and I are just too close to the situation to see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Thank you!
N***
Dear N***,
The answer to your question depends a lot on what happens when D*** visits you in the USA. If you both hit it off, then there will be even heightened friendship and intimacy when you return to your romance via the internet. Of course, you must expect that should you both not “click”, then the charm will fizzle out of the relationship.
It is easy to understand your concern, because so much is going to be riding on his visit. Here are some things that you should be doing to increase the chances of success during his visit.
Talk on the phone. Get very used to his voice. I can’t stress how important this is. Find a cheap telephone service and have a few really decent talks on the phone BEFORE he comes over. You will find that the first couple of conversations will be very strained and difficult. Better have them now, than when you are face-to-face, because if conversation get’s strained when he’s over there, you will both be thinking that you aren’t “clicking” and it’s not that, it’s just that you aren’t used to this form of communication.
Ok, so now you can ensure that you will both be able to communicate readily upon meeting, the next shock to get over is the person themselves. Since you live in countries that don’t have compatible video equipment, you are going to have to rely on a lot of photo’s. Send them through the post to make them even more real! This way, when you meet at the airport, you’re not going to go into shock! It’ll really be worth the effort.
These are the main two reasons why internet partners don’t “click” on meeting. “We just couldn’t communicate”, and “She looked so different from her photo”. There is still some risk that you can’t avoid, and that’s the problem of being able to communicate face-to-face. Personally, I found it difficult for quite a while, because I never had to look him in the eyes before and tell him I loved him. That was a bit difficult, but we were prepared for this to happen and knew that it didn’t mean we hadn’t hit it off.
This relationship seems important to you. If you are already thinking about the possibility of D*** coming to live with you, then you should be seriously taking my suggestions to heart, to minimise the risk of shock, and maximise the enjoyment of your face-to-face rendezvous together.
After a successful visit, I am sure you will be able to return to your internet romance with renewed vigour and enjoyment. In fact, you will probably feel that continuing the romance over the internet will just be an interim thing until arrangements can be made for you to be together again. Just make sure that you don’t let the relationship ‘stagnate’. By that I mean that you have to keep progressing towards a face-to-face relationship. This means lots of snail mail letters, photos, press clippings, telephone calls, presents, etc…
It really sounds as though your relationship is coming along just fine. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Face-to-face meeting will NEVER damage a good relationship if you are well prepared like I suggested.
The ex-wife living with D*** hopefully won’t turn into a problem for you. Investigate further where D*** is getting his pressure from. This could prove troublesome if it comes from a source with some leverage with him.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
