Dear Lynda,
I got involved with a man over the net and we did not meet for 6 months after lots of daily calls and emails and ‘I love you’s’. The biggest problem was that until he fell in love I did not tell him I am 60 lbs over weight. I did not wait but I believed that I could lose it before we met. He started pushing pretty soon – even planning to move to my country. When I came clean he was devastated and not sure if we could continue. I convinced him my weight would not be an issue by the time we met and although I made headway it still is a factor.
After talking of living together, his suggestion, for months, when we did meet there was something between us anyway. I felt like we belonged together and he kept touching me and telling me he loved me. A few wks later I was ready to give him the date for when I would move in with him ( it being 4 months down the road so I could lose more weight as he felt embarrassed for his friends to see him with a fat g/f (he is 27 and inexperienced at relationships)
I was surprised to realize that he wasn’t so sure he wanted to live with me. He stopped saying he loved me although he continued to call every night and we were due to get back together for another long week end the following week ( a month after initial 4 days together) After feeling like he was backing out, I ended it with him and he was distressed. I said I felt that if he really wanted to be with me he would not care what his friends thought, etc and that he was devaluing me due to my weight.
He said he understood but later that night called me obviously upset with nothing to say really but breathing hard like he was upset. Anyway, after a few more calls I ignored his mails and felt the best thing to do was to let him make the moves. They were weak that week at best and then a Dear John letter came saying he did not feel our relationship strong enough to make big decisions….it was definitely an ending in his mind too.
I was so upset I called him and before I knew it we were back together with him asking if he should come the following w/end. We got together and things were tense and strained at first and we nearly broke up again. We talked it out and he said that he was certain a couple months ago that he loved me and not so sure now-I know my weight has something to do with it (which I am losing and don’t feel will be an issue come spring really).
I gave him the option of ending and he said he did not want to that he thought we could get back on track. I asked if he wanted to and he said yes. He said he felt that maybe we could continue with our plans anyway but for now he wanted to be as serious without the plans. He admits he is very inconsistent. We got closer after that talk and he was back to saying he loved me.
He went home a few days ago and although he calls every night (and has made plans to return for New Years) He has not said he loves me since ( I really need to hear it) I am left wondering and losing confidence…… I am beginning to suspect he is falling out of love with me ………
Should I give him time and space and keep things light or am I fooling myself to have any hope that things will return to normal? We had such big plans and now everything is up in the air.
The biggest mistake I made was sending him one old photo before we met , which is all he had for months, where I was slimmer and prettier. It was not to deceive him and I even told him it was old (before I admitted to weight gain) but it was al I had and naturally I did not want to take new ones just yet. Is all this a transitional period or is it a case of me not living up to a fantasy…..?
Confused
Dear Confused,
I am not surprised at the amount of times this very situation is coming up in internet romances. Why I’m not surprised is because I did it myself. I too was sure that I could drop those extra pounds before the first meeting and didn’t hesitate in sending a picture over two years old.
Some men are unaffected by this surprise, but for the most part, I would say that many men must feel cheated in some way. Especially if they had been nursing an old photo and thinking this was the same person they were saying ‘I love you’ to.
He needs time and space, for sure. As he sees you making sincere efforts to get your weight down, he might begin to understand your reasoning why you did what you did. Try to be as open and honest about your weight as you can possibly be. He can be a tremendous encouragement for you in your weight loss if you share the challenge together. Possibly join a Weight-Loss Centre and prove your sincerity in losing those extra pounds.
I’m sure a lot of people will visit the message board below and say that he should love you for the person that you are, but I see that you want to lose weight for yourself as well, so this can be a great time of encouragement and goal-setting for you if you have the right help and support.
As you email him with your weight-loss each week, you may find that he will start being proud of your new lighter weight (albeit not as light as you’d like yet), and you can both get back to the important business of loving each other.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
I met this guy on the internet about two months ago in a singles chat room. We clicked automatically with our wit and humour. We agreed that night to talk again the next night. He said he was single. I’m 30 and he was 26. Each night we talked we became closer and closer. Sharing our feelings, hopes and dreams, and even talking about a future together. He managed to look up my address and phone number somehow and had my email address. But he wouldn’t give that info about himself to me because he said he couldn’t over the net because of his job. (he’s a cop). I told him my biggest fear was that I’d never hear from him again and I wouldn’t be able to reach him. He said he would never just leave without word and that he wasn’t that “shallow”. Well the last night we spoke everything was so perfect. He sent me love songs and poems and really opened up to me about a future. Well that was the last night I heard from him. His comp did quit 4 times on us that night but it!’s been a month now and I still haven’t heard anything. He had my number and address so he could have called. I’m just so confused as to what happened to him all of a sudden. There and so perfect one night, gone without a trace the next. I have no way of getting a hold of him so I don’t know what to do. Just wondering what could have happened to him. Any ideas? I would appreciate any input at this point. Thanks so much.
Very confused
Dear Very Confused,
There’s lots of reasons why you never heard from him again. I could rattle off tons of possibilities, all of which have probably already gone through your mind already.
The odds are that this guy was a fraud and most doubtful that he was a cop. There a lot of women that have fallen for this trick, usually in an attempt to obtain cybersex and a few cheap thrills. Usually married, unemployed, and bored, these guys are preying on some really nice women.
The fact that he didn’t want your phone number, should have been your first sign that he was a fraud. He didn’t want you to invade his personal space, and only wanted what he could get out of you on the computer.
Signal number two should have been the way in which he romanced you. Often married men are overly flirtatious and seem too good to be true.
Sounds like you got off light!
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
I have had an online relationship for almost a year. We have talked almost everyday online and I have grown to love her. I have called her and we have sent each other mail and I feel like I know her very well. In fact I am so in love with her I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
It has been a difficult relationship at times. She seems to always pull away from me. It is hard to get her to trust me and I know she is afraid of loving me for fear that I will hurt her. I don’t know how to get her to have as much faith in our relationship and our love as I do. I don’t know how to let her understand that I love her and will never hurt her because I would hurt just as much. I don’t know what to do, How can I be so sure of this and she be so doubtful? I need advice…
In Love
Dear In Love,
Trust is something that needs to be earned. The way to develop trust is to be trustworthy. In other words, be worthy of her trust. Be there when she is down, be strong when she is weak, and never say things like ‘Is it over with us?’ You need to show her time and time again that you can be her ‘rock’, and you won’t be moved by the first windstorm that comes your way.
In time, you will have earned genuine trust which is worth more than gold. Once you have the trust of a woman like this you will have quite a treasure indeed.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
I met this girl last year. At first the relationship was going well and then she had some problems she had to take care of, well ever since this “time” in her life we have lost or not had as much communication as we did when we met. We both love each other and believe in the same things. How can we reopen the lines of communication? Do you have any advice, right now we mainly communicate through email.
Amazed
Dear Amazed,
Think about what sort of marriage a couple would have if the only ever related to each other during breakfast at the breakfast table. It takes many different and subtle ways to keep the home fires burning.
Here are a few tips for improving your communication…
Well, Amazed, these are just three ways you can communicate with your Lady. Not boring old porridge of emails every day but a feast of communication that is sure to satisfy any woman.
Lynda
Disclaimer:
The advice column on this site is NOT meant to replace seeking professional therapeutic assistance. It is hoped that the responses given will be helpful, but this site exists to entertain our visitors and this advice column is NOT professional counselling. In all instances, seek the advice of a professional who you trust and do not rely on the suggestions of this site in your life decision-making.
The fact that the main writers of precautionary material seem to be those that have been bitten, adds to the fear and terror that strikes people when the words ‘internet dating’ are mentioned. After all, it’s people that make relationships good or bad, not the internet. Sensible and supportive information. That’s what I think our Internet Romance Couples need. No scary stories here, just success stories.
I have written the following sections purely based on my skills in researching and assignment writing. These views do not stem from emotional bitterness but from simple logic reasoning and sensibility. What else do you expect from an Accountant?
By all means, let love take hold and enjoy wherever it may take you, but that does not mean allowing all sensibility to fly out the window. After all, weren’t you a sensible person before you fell in love? By reading and taking the following suggestions and precautions, you could be saving a lot of heartache and destruction down the line.
1. Security first.
Until you know that you know that you know that your partner is not the type to harass you or even stalk you if the worst happens, it is wise to limit the personal information that you supply. Maintain a certain degree of anonymity until you are well prepared to release it. Ways of know how ‘psycho’ your partner can get include listening carefully to the way they discuss their past relationships. People often repeat their behavioural patterns, so (for example) if a guy keeps dumping on his ex-wife, there is a relatively high chance that he’ll turn on you too should anything happen. Also, look out for people who are quite obsessed about their ex-partner and quickly forget that person exists as soon as you come on the scene. A bit of foresight now could save a lot of psychologists bills further down the line.
Checklist:
Send emails through a free email service such as hotmail and don’t use any ‘real details.
Keep surnames, phone numbers and addresses private until you are sure.
2. Honesty
Without direct honesty up front, your internet romance is in trouble straight off. Don’t lie or exaggerate now, only to be found out and looking like a fool. Both people get ripped off when you’re not honest. Honesty is the number one requirement for any internet romance. You may be surprised that your partner loves you just how you are.
Current photos definitely need to be exchanged. Try to get that done as soon as possible.
Checklist:
Any secrets? Spill your guts now!
Current photos are best exchanged as soon as possible.
3. Are you the only one?
Let me firstly say that if you are involved in a ‘real-life’ relationship as well as having an Internet Romance, I have no desire to share my thoughts with you. Infidelity is infidelity and I refuse to support such behaviour.
One of the drawbacks of Internet Relationships is that it is possible to have numerous romances simultaneously without the recipients being any the wiser. Unfortunately, the internet offers the perfect environment for such people.
Checklist:
Ask for his/her home phone number (and ring it!). A user is often reluctant to give our their home phone number.
Some guys/girls are quite happy to offer references from other people to verify their integrity.
Be always on the lookout for emails that are quite generalised in their content. You may not be the only one being ‘bulk-mailed’.
Background checks.
4. Email Relationships (This section by Carol Fields)
The fact that an e-mailer is just looking at a computer screen, with no voice, animation or even handwriting to connect him/her to a real person, means that they are already in a fantasy-like situation. Their defences and inhibitions drop, they can assume personal characteristics that they would never exhibit in real life. This is not the real world, but many people don’t see the difference.
I think women, as opposed to men, are much more affected by the written word. Men have a tendency to be more visual and look at pictures (hence Playboy Magazine, Hustler etc.). So women can much more easily become prey to a man who is just a slick writer. Women need to be very very careful before they loose their hearts over the written words on a screen. Our local psychologist’s office says his business is booming with them.
5. Meeting in person.
Don’t skip through this section thinking ‘I love him no matter what he looks like’. Looks are not everything but without ‘chemistry’ between the two of you, its going to be quite a dry life. You’re only going to be able to find out whether there is any physical chemistry if you meet in person. You already know there is mental chemistry or you wouldn’t have gotten this far. Although some internet dating couples have chosen to continue their relationship on a ‘virtual’ level, most couples feel the need to meet in person.
Checklist:
Expectations and Intentions. Be well aware of the level of both of these for both yourself and your partner.
This will be a lot easier for you if you’ve been totally honest.
Make sure that someone is with you when you first meet. Do not go alone.
6. Chat groups
I personally have avoided the ‘chat’ scene because the quality of chat can sometimes be quite degrading. Although there are many decent chat groups, they are all too often frequented by desperado’s looking to get off on you.
Internet chat groups are a virtual community vastly different to our ‘real’ communities. They have different laws and rules of their own. They seem to experience problems of a unique nature.
I recommend that you first look to Chat Room Lies to see if your partner is noted there as a known liar and repeat offender. At this site you are able to talk with other people about lies that are used on the internet to take advantage of you. Another site that may be of service would be Wildxangel.
Checklist:
If you are going to use chat groups, study up hard and protect yourself!
7. Putting it into Practice
Now that you had read and understand these points, it’s time to apply them to your current relationship.
Well, I hope you got something out of that. Please take these precautions to heart and your relationship will be all the better for it.
