Dear Lynda,
I got involved with a man over the net and we did not meet for 6 months after lots of daily calls and emails and ‘I love you’s’. The biggest problem was that until he fell in love I did not tell him I am 60 lbs over weight. I did not wait but I believed that I could lose it before we met. He started pushing pretty soon – even planning to move to my country. When I came clean he was devastated and not sure if we could continue. I convinced him my weight would not be an issue by the time we met and although I made headway it still is a factor.
After talking of living together, his suggestion, for months, when we did meet there was something between us anyway. I felt like we belonged together and he kept touching me and telling me he loved me. A few wks later I was ready to give him the date for when I would move in with him ( it being 4 months down the road so I could lose more weight as he felt embarrassed for his friends to see him with a fat g/f (he is 27 and inexperienced at relationships)
I was surprised to realize that he wasn’t so sure he wanted to live with me. He stopped saying he loved me although he continued to call every night and we were due to get back together for another long week end the following week ( a month after initial 4 days together) After feeling like he was backing out, I ended it with him and he was distressed. I said I felt that if he really wanted to be with me he would not care what his friends thought, etc and that he was devaluing me due to my weight.
He said he understood but later that night called me obviously upset with nothing to say really but breathing hard like he was upset. Anyway, after a few more calls I ignored his mails and felt the best thing to do was to let him make the moves. They were weak that week at best and then a Dear John letter came saying he did not feel our relationship strong enough to make big decisions….it was definitely an ending in his mind too.
I was so upset I called him and before I knew it we were back together with him asking if he should come the following w/end. We got together and things were tense and strained at first and we nearly broke up again. We talked it out and he said that he was certain a couple months ago that he loved me and not so sure now-I know my weight has something to do with it (which I am losing and don’t feel will be an issue come spring really).
I gave him the option of ending and he said he did not want to that he thought we could get back on track. I asked if he wanted to and he said yes. He said he felt that maybe we could continue with our plans anyway but for now he wanted to be as serious without the plans. He admits he is very inconsistent. We got closer after that talk and he was back to saying he loved me.
He went home a few days ago and although he calls every night (and has made plans to return for New Years) He has not said he loves me since ( I really need to hear it) I am left wondering and losing confidence…… I am beginning to suspect he is falling out of love with me ………
Should I give him time and space and keep things light or am I fooling myself to have any hope that things will return to normal? We had such big plans and now everything is up in the air.
The biggest mistake I made was sending him one old photo before we met , which is all he had for months, where I was slimmer and prettier. It was not to deceive him and I even told him it was old (before I admitted to weight gain) but it was al I had and naturally I did not want to take new ones just yet. Is all this a transitional period or is it a case of me not living up to a fantasy…..?
Confused
Dear Confused,
I am not surprised at the amount of times this very situation is coming up in internet romances. Why I’m not surprised is because I did it myself. I too was sure that I could drop those extra pounds before the first meeting and didn’t hesitate in sending a picture over two years old.
Some men are unaffected by this surprise, but for the most part, I would say that many men must feel cheated in some way. Especially if they had been nursing an old photo and thinking this was the same person they were saying ‘I love you’ to.
He needs time and space, for sure. As he sees you making sincere efforts to get your weight down, he might begin to understand your reasoning why you did what you did. Try to be as open and honest about your weight as you can possibly be. He can be a tremendous encouragement for you in your weight loss if you share the challenge together. Possibly join a Weight-Loss Centre and prove your sincerity in losing those extra pounds.
I’m sure a lot of people will visit the message board below and say that he should love you for the person that you are, but I see that you want to lose weight for yourself as well, so this can be a great time of encouragement and goal-setting for you if you have the right help and support.
As you email him with your weight-loss each week, you may find that he will start being proud of your new lighter weight (albeit not as light as you’d like yet), and you can both get back to the important business of loving each other.
Lynda
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